pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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