WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
