This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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