The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
