Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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