Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
