Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
