I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
