highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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