I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
