I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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