are you still at the devil's house?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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