tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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