Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
