You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
They took my balls.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
