I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
