I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
