The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
