I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
