I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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