Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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