The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
