what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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