They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
