The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
