Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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