im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
