I am midnight drunk by noon
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
