whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
