I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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