Someone shit on the floor
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
