Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
