Don't make out with my wife yet
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
