They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
