are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
