There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
