if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He passed out mid-signature
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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