The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just high enough for therapy.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
