dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We got so high we made milksteak
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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