I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
