I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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