Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
