I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Randomize
