I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
