I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize