If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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