I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
