I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Come share oat with me in your robe
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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