Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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