I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
