So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
