Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
