I looked at my own cervix.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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