It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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