Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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