You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just found puke in my bra..
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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