Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
No subtext here. People are naked.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize