ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Dick very happy bro
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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