The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
