I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
