i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Duck Duck Cougar?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
