You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
