clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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