when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize