What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
