If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
