I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
They are going to name an STD after you.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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