I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
