My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
