i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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