I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
