Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
