so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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