I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize